4 Steps Men Should Take To Prepare For Divorce
Are you contemplating divorce? Or have you been blindsided by your spouse’s decision to end the marriage? No matter which side of this life-altering announcement you’re on, it’s imperative that you know how to prepare for divorce. For men, this means taking a few extra steps.
Tips to Help Men Prepare For Divorce
From the time they’re born, our culture bombards men with the message that they must be “in control” at all times. But do you realize that the desire to win is usually a sign that your emotions are out of control? Men often make the mistake of letting anger cloud their ability to reason in divorce. Follow these tips to make sound divorce decisions.
Choose the right attorney for your case. Think long and hard about the qualities you really need in a divorce attorney. You want a lawyer who’s strong enough to advocate for your rights, but not so aggressive that they’ll start unnecessary, expensive fires. A “hired mercenary” type attorney may convince you that you need to be monumentally aggressive to protect yourself – when their real motivation is to buy themselves a second, or third vacation home! When preparing for divorce, your guiding principle should be to hire an attorney that is just the right amount of tough – and no more.
Consult a financial advisor. Are you so angry that you’re tempted to hide assets or play other games with money? Conversely, are you so guilt-ridden, or afraid of your spouse, that you’re ready to hand over more money than you need to? The financial choices you make now will impact the rest of your life (and your children’s), so make sure you think through the consequences of whatever action you take. Take a course on divorce finances so you know what to expect [See our Divorce Coffee House course offerings]. You may also wish to consult with a financial advisor – preferably a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst – before you file for divorce.
Love your children more than you hate your ex. If you’re angry with your ex, you must keep your feelings separate from the decisions you make for your children. Plotting to control or punish your spouse by trying to get more custody than you actually want so you can pay less child support, or telling your kids that their other parent is “crazy,” are signs that you are putting your anger towards your ex before your love for your children. Talking to a child therapist as you prepare for divorce can help you make truly child-centered decisions.
Control your anger. Men are typically more comfortable expressing anger than admitting they’re sad, lonely, or afraid. It’s normal to feel angry at your spouse, but reacting from a place of rage will only cause destruction. While you may feel the anger is warranted now, you may come to regret your behavior years down the line when you see the toll it’s taken on your children, your finances, your physical health, and any new partner. Use coping skills such as exercise, mindfulness meditation, and therapy to help you skillfully manage hot emotions.
A final note: asking for help is not a sign of weakness. In addition to seeking counsel from legal, financial and mental health experts, be sure to seek support from close friends and family and joint a supportive community like Divorce Coffee House.
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