3 Things To Tell Your Children When You’ve Decided To Divorce – And 2 To Leave Out
You’ve decided to divorce and now you face the daunting task of figuring out how to deliver the news to your children. Divorce advice abounds on the Internet, so we’ve distilled all that information into the three best things to tell your kids – and the two things you shouldn’t.
3 Things To Say To Your Children About Your Divorce
“It’s not your fault.”
Children often think they did something to cause the breakdown of the family, especially if they’ve heard arguing about child-rearing. It’s important to let them know that nothing they did led to the divorce, and in fact, they are the very best part of your marriage. Divorce is an especially abstract concept for young children, who will need to hear the same message repeated often while they endeavor to make sense of the disruption to the family unit.
“We will always be your parents.”
No matter if they’re two or 22, your kids need to be reassured of your love, that you’re not going anywhere, and that your most important job is to be their parents. Little kids may wonder if you’re going to divorce them too, so explain to them that even though you and your spouse will no longer be partnered, you will never resign from your jobs as parents – no matter how much they might want you to when they’re teenagers!
“It’s not your job to fix our divorce.”
Because kids see themselves as the center of your world, they may aim to solve the problem of your marriage ending through various means: trying to figure out the answer to your marital woes, creating drama to unite you, or playing therapist if they sense that you’re sad or angry. Feeling responsible for parents’ mistakes is a terrible emotional burden for children and sets them up for failure since your issues are not ones they can possibly control. So reassure them that adults need to be in charge of adult problems, and kids need to be kids.
2 Things Not To Say To Your Children About Your Divorce
“I didn’t want this.”
Even if your spouse surprised you with the decision, or you can’t stand the sight of your ex, you need to accept that one of your most important jobs as a co-parent is to support your ex’s relationship with your children. Doing otherwise will affect your child’s sense of safety and set them up for a pattern of blame in their own relationships.
“Tell your mom/dad (fill in the blank).”
If you’ve got something to say to your spouse, do it yourself! Turning your child into your Deputy Director of Communications means they will always be disappointing someone and make them feel they can’t trust either of you to do the job of co-parenting. So keep your kids out of the middle and speak directly with your ex.
A final note: write a “script” and practice speaking in front of a mirror before you talk to your kids. Observe your body language and tone of voice. Non-verbal body language often speaks louder than words. If your presentation doesn’t align with what you are actually saying, your kids won’t know what to make of your message. So practice until you feel you can speak with calm and assurance.
Your children will look back on this someday and thank you for your time and effort to getting this conversation right.
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