Divorce: What To Do When The Pain Won’t Stop
Divorce is one of the most stressful events in anyone’s life. Losing your spouse, your intact family, your lifestyle, and perhaps your friend group radically changes your narrative. Even if your marriage was lousy, it was what you knew and now you must face a lot of unknowns as you create a new future. If your divorce is turning out to be an acrimonious one, you could also be at risk for “divorce PTSD” and a chronically dysregulated nervous system.
Life right now can feel extremely heavy, but it’s crucial to acknowledge the pain of divorce in order to face reality and go through the grief process. Learning tools and techniques to manage the trauma is a powerful way to manage difficult emotions and get you through the pain.
Here are some must-follow tips to regain your equilibrium.
Divorce pain: Understand what’s happening to your nervous system
Why is divorce so painful? Divorce trauma hijacks your amygdala (the emotion processing part of the brain). That means you tend towards hyperarousal (on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop) or hypoarousal (numb, checked out, things don’t seem real). When your nervous system is dysregulated, you are not interpreting events realistically. This doesn’t mean you’re crazy; it just means that you need to know that your thoughts are most likely distorted due to extreme emotions. This awareness is often half the battle. The good news is that things are probably not as bad as they seem and you have more control than you think you do.
Limit your conversations about divorce
Are you constantly talking about your divorce? Do conversations with loved ones focus on the dissolution of your marriage? Do you catch yourself fixated on “woe is me” monologues while in the shower? Compulsively re-telling your problem story will just make you feel more depressed, anxious, and trapped. Be mindful of your “stinking thinking” and shift your concentration to other subjects – for instance, what’s going on in your friends’ lives.
Give yourself a divorce curfew
Help your nervous system calm down by giving yourself a “divorce curfew.” Cease all divorce-related activities (including talking about your divorce) by 8 pm. Substitute these with soothing pastimes such as taking a bath, crafting, or mindfulness meditation. Setting a time limit on how much you think about your divorce will get you in the habit of building emotional boundaries – so you’re able to bounce back more easily when you’re triggered by a fresh wave of divorce pain. A divorce curfew will also remind you that there is more to life than the end of your marriage.
Get support
While you don’t want to burden your loved ones with your issues, you also don’t want to go it alone. Nurturing your connections with people who care for you – friends, family, mentors, clergy – will make you feel more stable. If your pocketbook allows, consider therapy with a mental health professional who specializes in divorce, grief, or life transitions. EMDR practitioners and other trauma-informed therapists can offer evidence-based protocols for managing an overactive nervous system.
Consider a spiritual practice
Studies have shown that a regular spiritual practice improves mental and physical health. When life as you’ve known it is falling away, you can ground yourself by connecting to something beyond yourself. Whether that be organized religion, a 12-step group, or a mindfulness meditation routine, cultivating a spiritual practice will shift your perspective from your own troubles and remind you of the bigger picture.
Remember: the key to surviving divorce pain is not to bury it, but to hone skills to achieve equanimity – staying calm in difficult situations.
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