Divorce: Why Is It So Easy For My Ex To Move On?

Are you struggling to pick up the pieces after divorce while it’s been easy for your ex to move on at a breezy clip, seemingly happier than ever, and perhaps annoyed by your understandable devastation? Here’s some help to keep it in perspective. When a spouse moves on and acts like divorce is no big deal, something else is almost always going on beneath the surface. Take a look at some of the reasons your spouse may be acting so nonchalant and why, really, it’s not you — it’s them!

Narcissism

Narcissists don’t bond the way the rest of us do. They look for high-status individuals to pair with. “High-status” generally includes money, beauty, special talents, or social connections. Ex-partners of narcissists feel stunned and disoriented when they realize their spouse was never that attached to them, but attached only to the idea of who they were, or the function they provided. Given that the narcissist is not fundamentally relational, it makes sense that they detach swiftly and find someone else to latch onto for the goodies this new person has to offer. In other words, it’s not you. It’s the narcissist’s distorted way of viewing the world.

They were already checked out

Were you gobsmacked when your spouse blindsided you with the news that they wanted a divorce? If you thought things were basically fine other than normal marital ebbs and flows, you may be left reeling, wondering how long your spouse had been feeling this way. Conflict-avoidant people tend to go along to get along, sometimes nursing resentment and loneliness for years. At a certain point, they become so emotionally checked out that the legal process of exiting a marriage is little more than a practical affair – while you are the one left with roiling emotions. Most people don’t “suddenly” decide they want a divorce. Generally, the decision was years in the making – you just were left out of the process.

They met someone

If your ex re-couples quickly, this could be because they had an “exit plan” from your marriage that involved an affair partner. Or, they may not have actually commenced a physical affair, but had identified a person of romantic interest with whom they then began a relationship. Ending a marriage is far easier for those who have someone waiting in the wings.

They have a “gypsy” spirit

We all go through changes as we age, but some people view personal growth as a lifestyle. They are comfortable moving between jobs, locations — and spouses. Whereas most of us are scared of change, emotional gypsies are excited by it and are continually looking for new horizons. They are happiest when they’re on the journey, but not so much once they’re reached the destination. Hint: when spouses don’t discover (or re-discover) their roaming spirit under middle age, we call this a “mid-life crisis.”

Getting some insight into your ex’s behavior may help you get closure, but be careful not to go overboard with your psychological detective work. No matter how deep your drive, you will never fully understand what makes your former spouse tick, and at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter. Far better for you to use your precious time and energy doing what you need to do to move on.

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