Divorce: Why Can’t I Function?

Divorce is one of the most stressful events anyone can go through, so it’s no wonder that you find it hard to function. Many people report struggling to focus at work, keep up with household tasks, or wrangle the kids’ extracurriculars with the same finesse. 

Have you been having a hard time coping with everyday life since your marriage ended? While you may be tempted to give in to Wine O’Clock or Netflix-and-chill to get through the difficulties of divorce, these types of techniques don’t actually improve your situation. Instead of over-indulging or denying your feelings, you need to learn how to manage them by utilizing healthy self-care strategies.

Don’t know where to start? Here are some proven wellness hacks that will help you feel better.

Sleep and eat right

Getting adequate rest and nutrition won’t make your problems go away, but it will make it easier for you to cope. If you find yourself tossing and turning, fine-tune your sleep hygiene protocol by turning in at the same time, getting off screens at least an hour beforehand, and not doing anything related to your divorce after 8 pm. You might also try a self-hypnosis app to train your nervous system to calm down.

If you’ve lost your appetite, try eating small, protein-packed meals throughout the day. On the other end of the eating spectrum, avoid bingeing on sugary carbs. Any slight pleasure or “sugar high” from eating a box of cookies or downing the latest syrupy drink from Starbucks doesn’t last. 

Reign in emotional support

Humans are hard-wired for connection, and you will feel better if you feel part of a social fabric. Build a support team with trusted individuals. These may be friends, relatives, your therapist, a clergyperson, or a divorce coach. You want to select people who will not judge you, give you unqualified advice, or spill your secrets to your ex. Do NOT pour out your heart to your attorney, who is not trained to help you with your emotional issues, and will bill you for you. And avoid triangulating mutual friends or parents’ at your kids’ schools, as this will likely inflame conflict and make your problems even worse.

Another tip: venting will not actually help you function. It will just make you feel your problems are worse than they are. The purpose of sharing your vulnerabilities with people is so you feel less alone, more cared for, and, in the case of talking to a mental health professional, learn coping skills.

Practice mindfulness

Mindfulness means that you acknowledge what is actually happening in the moment: your feelings and your circumstances. The point is not to dwell on difficult emotions, but to honor what is present, and then shift your focus to things you can actually control:  your own choices. Ruminating, resentment, trying to get revenge – these maladaptive coping strategies won’t fix anything, and will just cause you more suffering. Your intention should be to tolerate difficult emotions and choose your actions wisely.

You can learn the how-to’s of mindfulness by downloading a mindfulness app such as Calm or Insight Timer. You can also utilize diaphragmatic breathing to activate your parasympathetic nervous system, the part of the brain that helps you rest.

Recognizing divorce depression 

While some are comfortable seeking support from friends and family, others find themselves withdrawing from social occasions and isolating. While retreating to “lick your wounds” is normal and can be helpful to an extent, you need to watch for signs that your divorce blues has turned into full blown depression. Signs that you could benefit from mental health support include:

• Trouble sleeping/insomnia 
• Feeling sad all the time 
• Anxiety
• Irritability
• Neglecting necessary medical and dental care

If you could benefit from added support, consider therapy with a mental health professional who specializes in divorce, grief, or life transitions. EMDR practitioners and other trauma-informed therapists can offer evidence-based protocols for managing an overactive nervous system — so you can function again.

Have questions about divorce? Get answers through our Ask a Divorce Question or join us on Facebook to get instant feedback and support. Divorce Coffee House is your community in divorce! You don’t need to go through the divorce process alone.