Staying Under One Roof In Your Divorce: 7 Ground Rules To Make It Work
You and your spouse are thinking about living under one roof during your divorce to save money and give your children time to adjust before making the transition to two homes. How do you make this new configuration work? No matter how amicable your divorce is shaping up to be, remaining together in the family home requires common sense ground rules between the two of you to help keep conflict low.
Ground rule #1: Maintain separate sleeping areas
You’ve decided to split, but are you still sleeping in the same bedroom and/or the same bed? Divorce therapists agree that this kind of arrangement is confusing for everyone, including your kids. If there’s animosity or tension between you and your spouse, this arrangement can be a tinderbox for fights.
If your home affords you a spare bedroom or a bonus room over the garage, make a clean break by keeping all your clothes and other personal belongings in that one room, and start sleeping there too. Your room can then become your individual “home base” and place of refuge in the house. Some spouses even install key locks on their bedrooms as a way to ensure privacy.
Ground rule #2: Let your kids know (and be prepared to answer their questions)
If you have kids, it’s important that you explain changes to your living situation as part of the overall conversation you are having with them about your divorce and evolving family structure. Kids have questions about their parents’ divorce, so when your children ask about the new arrangement, use kid-friendly terms to help them understand what is happening. This can be as simple as explaining, “Mommy and Daddy each have their own spaces, and that helps them get along better.”
Ground rule #3: Draw up a temporary co-parenting agreement
Once you and your spouse have decided to divorce, it means that you have also decided to take on new roles as co-parents to your children. Sit down and discuss how to take a shared approach to each of you spending meaningful time with your kids.
One concrete step you can take is to write up a temporary parenting plan that specifies solo times that you will each have with the children. As you rotate through your parenting time schedule, kids should be clear on which parent is in charge. The other parent can have their own time to themselves, leaving the house if possible. Parenting time plans are meant to help children maintain and strengthen their bonds with each of their parents, and give each of you breathing room. This approach also models your new family structure for your kids, helping all of you better adjust.
Important tip: It might feel like an informal verbal agreement is all that’s needed in a “parents under one roof” situation. Don’t fall into this trap! Always get any custody-related agreement in writing and ideally reviewed by your family law attorney.
Ground rule #4: Create a separation agreement around household upkeep and personal behaviors – including guests!
Work together to arrive at an agreement that covers all the basics of living together, including how to split payment of monthly bills, sharing responsibility for household upkeep tasks (i.e., alternating weeks for putting out the garbage or one spouse assigned to mow the lawn), and policies on guests.
This last one can be sticky, especially if one of you already has a new romantic partner. Given the dynamics of close quarters, most spouses living together during their divorce agree that the sanest thing to do is ban all guests for the time being. As always, get any agreement in writing!
Ground rule #5: Create a sensible daily schedule
Most spouses say that a key to keeping the peace while living under one roof during their divorce is predictability. Create a schedule that outlines when each of you will have access to shared spaces like the kitchen, bathroom, and living room – and stick to it!
A bonus tip for being a good “roommate”: Always clean up after yourself when using the kitchen and bathroom.
Ground rule #6: Let your lawyer know about your living situation
Make sure to disclose to your divorce attorney that you and your spouse are remaining under one roof until your divorce is final. Your attorney can help you with separation and parenting time agreements and also suggest the best strategic options for putting your divorce on the fast track. Living together until divorce in most states is legally acceptable. However, be aware that a few states require spouses to live separately for a period of time before filing for divorce. Knowing your rights and legal requirements for divorce can help you make informed decisions.
Ground rule #7: Know when to say no to living under one roof
Spouses with higher levels of conflict in their divorce may be able to make a shared living situation work. However, if conflict has crossed the line into any form of domestic violence or abuse, living together during the divorce is a no go.
Are you being abused? Help is available. You can go to the police for a restraining order. You can file for temporary alimony and child support to give you money for housing and to care for your kids. Call the Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) to be connected to resources, or call 911 in an emergency. Talk to your attorney about your best next steps to stay safe.
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