Best Divorce Advice From A Marriage And Family Therapist
If you’re going through divorce, you may be overwhelmed by emotions and not sure where to turn. While friends and family may be supportive, they are often caught up in their own feelings about your situation and may unintentionally fuel your anger and fear. In order to manage stress and shifting moods, it’s best to turn to a professional. Here is some of the best divorce advice from marriage and family therapists.
Understand the stages of grief
Learning the stages of grief will serve as a guide to the different feelings you’ll experience as you shed your former life. Use the acronym DABDA to identify what you’re experiencing in the moment: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It’s critical to let yourself access the first four stages in order to arrive at a place of peace: acceptance. However, you probably won’t go through these phases in a linear fashion, and it’s common to circle back to previous stages when you feel triggered.
Learn how to self-regulate
When your nervous system is dysregulated, you’re likely to overreact or numb out. These trauma responses can slow down the divorce process and inflame conflict, so it’s imperative that you learn skills to manage your emotions. Diaphragmatic breathing, “brain dump” journaling to process your thoughts, exercise, meditation, aromatherapy, and creative endeavors are ways to build internal resources so you can manage stress. If you continue to struggle, consult with a divorce therapist or trauma specialist.
Use effective communication strategies
How you interact with your ex will affect not only your well-being, but also that of your children. If you respond in anger, defensiveness, or fear, you will create drama that will hijack your nervous system and make everything harder than it needs to be. Even if your ex is the one driving conflict, you can use techniques to minimize acrimony. When communicating with your former spouse, be brief, informative, neutral in tone, and firm (no waffling). Resist the urge to lecture, unload your feelings, or threaten. Sticking to logistics and facts will enable you to move successfully from romantic partner to co-parenting partner.
Move from toxic hope to empowerment
People going through divorce usually engage in some degree of toxic hope: thinking they deserve “justice” because their ex is a jerk, or believing that they can somehow make their former spouse be fundamentally different. This belief that you can control things that are actually beyond your control will keep you stuck and miserable. Instead of wasting time marinating in toxic hope, empower yourself by focusing on things you can actually do something about – your own behavior, your own parenting, and your plans for the future.
Don’t get down on yourself if you don’t see immediate results when following these steps. You’re building new habits, so it will take time to see positive change. So get rid of judgment, practice this advice everyday, and eventually you’ll notice that you feel empowered to manage divorce challenges and move on to your next new chapter in life.
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