Gray Divorce: Steps To Safeguard Yourself In Divorce
If you’re getting a divorce in your 50s, 60s, or beyond, you’re not alone. According to the 2021 U.S. Census Report, almost 35% of divorces in the previous year involved those aged 55 and up. What’s different about a “gray divorce”? If you have children and they’re adults, deciding child custody is an item you can skip. However, be prepared that a tangle of emotional and legal issues still await. Key aspects of divorce can be more complicated when you’re older and that means you must enter the process prepared and ready to protect yourself.
Here are some tips to help you on the road ahead.
Protect Your Emotional Health
Divorce at any age comes with loss and requires that people cycle through the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Compared to getting a divorce when you’re younger, an older person may feel like they have less time to recover and “bounce back.” To prepare for the emotional side of divorce, take time to implement the coping skills you need to navigate this tricky time. Emotional self-care techniques in divorce include journaling, meditation, prayer, exercise, and simply acknowledging to yourself that you are doing your best. Seeking out support from a therapist that specializes in life transitions can provide safe harbor during the storm. This is also a good time to join a divorce community to start making connections with others going through the same thing.
Aim to Settle Your Gray Divorce Out of Court
Money is a primary concern for gray divorcers because there is less time to recoup financial loss before retirement age, or you and your spouse may already be in retirement and/or on a fixed income when you decide to divorce. Be aware that a high conflict divorce that drags through court litigation is the most expensive way to divorce (and also the longest). To save money, try to settle your issues on your own with the help of your attorneys, or through more cost-effective out of court options such as mediation or collaborative divorce. [Learn about all your options for saving money in divorce by taking one of Divorce Coffee House courses.]
Consult with a financial planner
Getting divorced later in life changes your financial big picture. You may not be able to stop working as early as you’d planned, or you may need to pick up a side hustle. A financial planner can help you readjust your finances to reflect your change in circumstances and protect you in your later years.
Investigate alimony
Are you banking on receiving (or paying) “permanent alimony” after a lengthy marriage? Talk to an attorney about the alimony laws in your state to get a realistic idea of what to expect. In some states, higher earning spouses aren’t required to pay alimony to lower earning spouses after retirement.
Reassess financial support to adult children
Are you helping adult children pay off student debt? Contributing to their rent, or otherwise assisting with expenses? In some states, child support can continue through a child’s college years, including graduate school. Depending on the circumstances, financial support of adult children with special health or medical needs can be arranged as part of the divorce settlement. However, if your children are post-college and other ready to be on their own, as much as you may want to continue your support, you need to be realistic about covering your own living expenses first.
Date wisely
If you’ve been languishing in an unhappy marriage for decades, you may be tempted to relive your youth by running amok on dating apps. But be aware that the dating landscape has changed dramatically during the years you’ve been married. Online dating apps are teeming with people who misrepresent themselves, aren’t honest about their sexual health history, or who are just using the apps as a sex playground. As a general rule, be suspicious of anyone who tries to rush you into getting serious; healthy relationships take time to develop and people’s actions – not words – are a true indication of their character. Consider consulting with a dating profile expert, both to help you craft a profile that will attract good candidates, and to advise you on how to date wisely.
Design a vision for your next chapter
Having a plan for how you want to live out your golden years after your gray divorce will help quell your anxiety about what’s to come. Many older couples split up because they realize their values have changed and they imagine different futures during retirement. If you felt hampered by your spouse during your marriage, now is the time when you get to do what you want! Unsure about your new direction? Start by writing down a values list, then craft a personal mission statement.
Getting clear on what is truly important will help you define your purpose and give you a clear path for a meaningful next chapter.
Divorce Coffee House is your community in divorce! You don’t need to go through the divorce process alone. Ask a Divorce Question or Join us on Facebook to get instantly connected.