How To Stop Your Ex’s Narcissism From Poisoning Your Next Relationship
The best way to stop your ex’s narcissism from poisoning your next relationship is to not pick another narcissist! Here are some tips for starting fresh (and narcissist-free) with your next romantic partner.
Weed out narcissists from your potential dating pool
It takes time to gather enough information about someone to determine if they’d make a truly good partner, so make it a rule as you enter post-divorce dating life to stay in the slow lane. Signs that your date could be a narcissist? You probably don’t need reminders, but initial red flags to watch for include: love-bombing, future-faking and grandiosity. On your end, be in tune with any impulses to ignore your intuition because you don’t want to be alone. If you’re already making excuses for someone’s behavior, then it’s a no go.
The traits of someone who just might be worth having in life include accountability, integrity, and empathy. Discovering someone’s true character requires more than just swiping right on a dating app. Text, email, talk…take baby steps to know this is someone really worth your time (and sanity) to pursue.
Don’t vent about your ex to your new partner
The #1 way to keep from moving on is to spend too much time on dates talking to your new partner about your old one. Think about it from their perspective: if you’re so preoccupied with your previous life that you can’t make space for your new one, why should they stick around only to feel that they’re a consolation prize? Be respectful and keep healthy emotional boundaries when embarking on a new relationship.
Communicate directly and appropriately
If you were married to a narcissist, you no doubt learned that it wasn’t safe to express any POV that wasn’t theirs. But in order to develop healthy relationship habits, you need to do the opposite of what your narcissist trained you to do: state your needs directly and appropriately. You’ll know you’re with a good partner if they care about your feelings instead of shame you for them.
Don’t be someone you’re not
Another unhealthy relationship habit you may have picked up during your previous relationship is to impersonate the “ideal partner” that your mate wants, even though it’s not who you are. Years of this pretzeling can actually make it hard for a new partner to get to know you. So be yourself! Remember that pretending to be someone you weren’t didn’t work out so well the first time.
Don’t mistake different needs for narcissism
Are you on high alert watching for signs of narcissism? Be wary that you don’t confuse your partner’s different POV or desire for healthy debate with a genuine lack of empathy or determination to get their own way at any cost. Also, cut your new partner some slack; what you fear is disregard for your feelings may actually be your partner just having a bad day. After all, no one can meet all of your needs all of the time – nor should you expect them to.
Heal from narcissistic abuse
An overactive nervous system from years of emotional abuse may cause you to be hypervigilant. You don’t want your new partner to feel that you’re ready to slap a DSM-V label on them if they don’t behave the way you want. Your new partner is not responsible for your healing – you are! Take steps to heal your divorce trauma. If you find that you can’t leave your past behind, see a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery.
A final note: being a narcissist abuse survivor should not be the most interesting thing about you! While spending hours watching YouTube videos on narcissism may have helped you educate yourself, getting your unofficial PhD in the subject could give your ex more power because you’re doing exactly what they want to do: focusing on them 24/7! So stop psychoanalyzing your ex and concentrate on your own choices — and your own happiness.
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