I Need To Leave My Spouse. How Do I Quietly Prepare For Divorce?
Divorce is a life-altering journey, and one that requires preparation to be successful. Before announcing your decision to your spouse, it’s a good idea to understand the legal, financial, and emotional aspects of ending your marriage. Divorce will impact you and your family forever. When you’re able to quietly prepare for divorce before the fact, it can help make the process smoother and less conflict-filled.
Before breaking the news to your spouse, here are four vital divorce prep dos and don’ts.
Do your homework before you file. Make sure your goals for your divorced life match what you can realistically expect in a settlement. (And if you haven’t thought about your goals yet, do this STAT!) Consult with an attorney and financial expert to find out such key items as how much support you will receive or owe, what custody arrangement is likely, and what your financial implications are. You need time to gather the documents needed for your divorce professionals to properly advise you. It’s also crucial to understand what is involved in the divorce process, and which type of dissolution – mediation, collaborative divorce, or litigation – best fits your circumstances. [Tip: you can take a divorce course to quickly get up to speed. Check out our Divorce Coffee House course offerings!]
Don’t tip your hand. If you threaten to leave or act in a volatile manner while you’re still in the preparation phase, the resulting fireworks will get your divorce off to a tense start. Do your best to compartmentalize your feelings while you take the necessary steps to make your exit. While this may feel deceptive, making gestures to leave before you’re ready to do so will create anxiety and conflict in your household. Also be careful in whom you confide. You may be surprised if a trusted friend “changes camps” by alerting your spouse. Certainly, don’t breathe a word to your children; they don’t need to be burdened by the anxiety of waiting for an impending split or feel they need to keep secrets from your spouse.
Don’t overlook the emotional aspects of divorce. Many people believe that life will instantly feel better after exiting a conflict-laden marriage, only to find themselves struggling with their emotions. Even the dissolution of a “bad marriage” can be something to mourn, as it signifies the death of a dream. Consulting with a divorce therapist before you file will help you understand the stages of grief – depression, anger, bargaining, denial, acceptance – that you will likely go through, and gain skills to support yourself emotionally during this process. A therapist can also teach you tools to manage your emotions so you can keep a clear head through divorce. This is also a good time to join a divorce community to start making connections with others going through the same thing.
Do start preparing for your post-divorce life. If you’ve been a stay-at-home parent, that is a role you may lose during divorce. You may have to get a job, and start managing money for the first time. If you’ve abdicated all things financial to your spouse, it’s imperative that you acquire financial literacy skills now, either through a financial expert or online finance classes. Have you been out of the job market for a while, or is your income insufficient to support yourself and your children? If so, you may want to postpone your divorce until you gather skills to make yourself more employable. Also, be prepared that your lifestyle will likely take a hit; better that you downgrade to a standard of living you can afford than dig yourself into debt to maintain the trappings of married life.
Whether you’re afraid to divorce, or you’re chomping at the bit to move on with your life, taking the time to quietly prepare for divorce will give you confidence that you can successfully navigate the changes that lie ahead.
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