My Spouse Wants A Divorce After 20 Years – How Do I Cope?

Your spouse wants a divorce. Whether this departure feels out of the blue or is something you’ve both known was coming, the end of a long marriage will catapult you into a period of transition that is likely to be messy and confusing for a while. This is normal! The key to mastering change is to understand the process and gain skills to live a meaningful life – perhaps for the first time.

Here are some tips to help you cope.

Learn about stages of grief

Understanding the feelings we all experience as we let go of a part of our past will keep you from being scared by them. DABDA is the acronym for the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining (coulda-woulda-shoulda), depression, and acceptance. Most people don’t proceed through these stages only once, or in a linear fashion. You might feel you “visit” one stage more than the others, or cycle through all of them in one day! So remember: if you’re feeling “crazy,” that just means you’re having predictable reactions to a life-altering event.

Write a new mission statement

While you and your spouse may have shared the same values decades ago, the fact that your spouse now wants a divorce is proof that at some point, your values diverged. Did you find yourself going along to get along during the marriage? Or arguing with your spouse to convince them that your POV was the right one? Now you get to do things your way, maybe for the first time in your life. Take advantage of this opportunity by writing a “personal mission statement” that reflects your values and the actions you plan to take to manifest what is important to you.

Fill in your knowledge gaps 

Did you abdicate financial responsibility to your spouse? Did you let them handle everything related to the household and children? Now that you’re on your own, you’re probably bumping up against “knowledge gaps”: basic things that you should know how to do (fix a leaky faucet, put on a duvet cover, cook a well-balanced meal, etc.), but don’t. If you’re on a steep learning curve, it’s normal to feel overwhelmed, but don’t let your frustration lead you into a rebound relationship just to have someone else pick up your slack. Take the time to develop new skills and a new-found sense of personal agency.

See a Life Transitions Therapist

If you’re a “gray divorcee,” you may be struggling with two major transitions: the end of your marriage as well as retirement. Life may feel messy and uncertain now, but most passages do. Remember adolescence and early parenthood? Treat the crisis of your late-in-life divorce as an opportunity by seeing a therapist that specializes in grief and transitions to support you during this process.

Finally, resist the urge to get revenge on your spouse. Hurting them won’t bring back what was lost, and will only hurt your pocketbook and your children. Practice radical acceptance by accepting life as it is today and figuring out what you need to do to move forward with grace and purpose.

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