How Do I Tell My Wife I Want A Divorce?

You’ve decided you want a divorce, and now it’s time to tell your wife. But how, exactly, do you calmly break the news without setting off unnecessary conflict and drama?

Having an unskillful or heat-of-the-moment conversation could cost you financially in your divorce, hurt your children, and take a toll on your mental health. You can avoid these pitfalls by taking time to carefully consider what you will say and how you will say it. Before you tell your wife about your intention to divorce, here’s how to make sure you’re headed in the right direction.

5 Tips For Telling Your Wife You Want a Divorce

Write a script. Know this: what you say may get repeated to your children and friends, so choose your words wisely. This is not the time to speak out of anger or behave impulsively. You need to think about how the news will land on your wife. Coming up with a simple script for your part can be helpful.

Practical rules of thumb to guide what you say:

• Focus on communicating in “I” messages that have you owning your decision to divorce.
• Avoid blaming words that can trigger conflict. If you start off by attacking her by listing all the things she did wrong, you’re likely going to invite retaliation.
• Offer solutions or steps forward.

Your script is unique to your situation, but some sample phrases that can be helpful include:

“I have given this a lot of thought and have decided that I want a divorce.”

“This was a difficult decision, but I know this is the healthiest way forward.”

“I want to make this transition as smooth as possible, so I will… [steps you will take: i.e., move to spare room]”

“I want to work with you and continue to stay a strong co-parenting team. Let’s discuss a few ways we can do so.”

“I want to make sure the kids are told this news in the most supportive and loving way possible. Let’s think about the best time to tell them.”

Consulting with a divorce therapist who can help you optimize a “script” that will be received in the best way possible. Then rehearse it to be sure you’ve got your delivery down pat.

Choose an appropriate time. It’s best to break the news in person, but you need to think carefully about the time and place. Telling your wife you want a divorce on her birthday or Valentine’s Day? You are likely setting off a conflict bomb in your divorce. Instead, pick a neutral date, and a private space. This is not a conversation to have in a crowded restaurant or via text. Note: whenever possible, share your decision to divorce before your wife is served with divorce papers. If you and your attorney have determined that filing for divorce immediately is the best path forward, which can sometimes happen, don’t humiliate your wife by serving her in public.

Own your decision. Don’t tell your wife you want a divorce if you are not absolutely clear on this decision. Take time to work through your thoughts on your marriage, on your own or with a therapist. Is there a way to still save the relationship? Could you try couple’s therapy (marriage therapy) or could you have a trial separation to see if you just needed some time apart to reprioritize and work through your own issues? Telling your wife you want a divorce turns a corner in your relationship. Do the work to make sure you are certain that this is a corner you want to turn.

Don’t make threats. If your wife cheated on you or some other egregious situation happened in your marriage, it’s natural that you may be feeling angry towards her. Wait until you are in a calmer state to break the news. Getting into a fight during this conversation can devolve into making threats such as: “You’re a horrible mother…I’ll make sure you never see the kids again!” or “You are never going to get a dime from me!” This will only trigger conflict, which like Pandora’s box, is difficult to reel back in once it has started. Learn some emotional preparation tips to help you get in the right state of mind.

Don’t pull a vanishing act. Are you tempted to sidestep a painful conversation by announcing you’re moving out, with no explanation given? While you may feel this is a great way to avoid conflict, it’s actually disrespectful and will prevent your wife – and possibly you – from being honest about what happened and moving on in an adult way. It’s also damaging to your kids. As you start to travel the road to end your marriage, make sure to take the high road.

A final note: this conversation will begin the transition from a romantic and domestic relationship to a business partnership. The goal is to successfully separate assets and, if you’ve got young kids, effectively co-parent. Being smart and strategic when you tell your wife you want a divorce will give you the best odds for a good future.

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