Think Like A Therapist: 6 Steps For Managing Your Emotions In Divorce
Divorce is especially traumatic when it’s not your choice. If you haven’t had time to prepare for divorce, or are completely blindsided by your spouse’s decision to leave, the waves of emotions crashing over you can make you feel confused and out of control. The best way to navigate this uncertain time is to understand what you’re experiencing and make a plan for how to move forward.
Make no mistake: your spouse’s decision to end your marriage has caused a crisis you now have to manage. Are you having trouble sleeping and eating? Do you feel blinded by rage? Are your tears and panic attacks making it hard to get anything done? When therapists work with clients in crisis, the goal is to assist people in returning to their previous level of functioning. Having a clear crisis intervention plan will help stabilize you so you can get your “oxygen mask” back on and have confidence that you’ll be able to handle what comes your way. Here are six therapist-approved steps to get your roiling emotions under control.
Gather your support team. Don’t try to manage your feelings alone. Harness your support by selecting appropriate individuals to lean on. Examples of helpful support people are therapists, divorce coaches, and clergy. Friends and family can also be helpful but make sure you identify those who will not fuel your anger and fear. You want to surround yourself with people who will validate your experience and offer guidance on the best path forward – not make you feel more scared and angry than you already are. [This is a great time to join our private divorce support Facebook Group!]
Practice self-care essentials. Sleep deprivation and the “divorce diet” will alter your brain chemistry and can cause clinical depression, anxiety, and a host of other health problems. Getting adequate sleep and eating nutritious meals – even if you can consume only small amounts at a time – will help keep you balanced. Exercise is nature’s mood stabilizer, so make sure to go for a walk, do some yoga, or hit the gym at least three times a week.
Understand the stages of grief. Educating yourself on the grief process will help you make sense of the different feelings washing over you. DABDA is the acronym for the emotions everyone cycles through as they process loss. The letters stand for denial, anger, bargaining (coulda-woulda-shoulda), depression, and acceptance. Don’t expect to trot through these stages in an orderly clip; you may feel angry one day, depressed the next, then numb with denial. Give yourself permission to experience each of these stages without judgment; while the process is painful, it is also a sign that your psyche is doing what it needs to do to heal.
Practice radical acceptance. Suffering comes from resisting what is happening in the moment. While you certainly didn’t want your intact family to break apart, you can’t control your spouse’s actions. Radical acceptance is a mindfulness strategy that helps you accept life as it is today. This means that you acknowledge the pain while learning to tolerate discomfort. When you observe your feelings instead of react to them, you will feel more in control and better able to make skillful choices.
Utilize coping strategies. You don’t have to be at the mercy of black moods and panic attacks. Manage these symptoms as they arise by putting together a coping skills toolkit. Don’t know where to start? Ask your therapist to help you identify strategies, or simply try out these mood-regulating techniques: journaling, mindfulness meditation, aromatherapy, talking to a trusted support person, writing a gratitude list, taking a walk, doing something creative such as knitting, gardening, or making art. Utilizing these tools will help distract you from the unpleasant mood you’re experiencing and focus your attention on a positive activity.
Do the next right thing. Make this simple phrase your mantra. When you feel unsteady due to intense emotions, or overwhelmed by all the changes in your life, take a moment to breathe and figure out the “next right thing” you need to accomplish. That might be turning your attention to something calming as bedtime approaches, meal prepping for the week so you don’t have to stress at dinner time, or composing a non-inflammatory email to your spouse. Make sure that what you focus on actually needs to be done. For instance, firing off a reactionary text message to your spouse may feel good in the moment, but impulsive actions are never the next right thing, and will just create more problems.
If you find it difficult to practice these steps, don’t get down on yourself. You’re being forced to deal with a situation no one is ever prepared for. Just keep your focus on making skillful choices and, over time, you’ll learn how to manage big emotions – instead of them managing you.
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