Why Is My Ex Still Stalking Me Online?!
It’s two years after your divorce, but your ex is online stalking you on Instagram and Facebook. Why, oh why, are they still up in your business? Is your ex hunting for anything they could use to get more custody of the kids? Or lower child support payments? Knowing they’re peering at you over the virtual fence is making you creeped out and paranoid. You’ve moved on, why can’t your ex? Here are four reasons your nosy former spouse may be stalking you online post-divorce.
Coercive control
Was your ex emotionally and/or physically abusive? If so, they were most likely trying to intimidate you by invading your privacy and doing something they know will make you feel unsafe. It’s possible they’re searching for evidence to use against you in a custody battle, or to lower child support payments. But most likely their real goal is to maintain emotional control over you.
Keeping tabs on the kids
Your ex may be wondering if there’s a “new dad” on the horizon. Or they’re trying to figure out if you’re using child support to finance romantic vacations and happy hours instead of buying new school supplies. Or maybe they simply miss the kids and wonders what their life is like the other 50% of the time. Maybe you’ve wondered this too? Either way, it’s probably nothing to worry about unless your ex starts interrogating you about your choices.
Grief over the end of marriage
Your former spouse misses you. They didn’t want the marriage to end and they’re not sure where this new life is headed. Maybe they are dating, but are overwhelmed by the idea of starting with someone new. Some exes have an easy time moving on, others do not. Stalking you online is a way of staying connected to you and keeping the past alive.
Competition
Does your ex always need to be the biggest rooster in the barn? They may want assurance that you haven’t found anyone better, i.e. richer, or want proof that you’re suffering without them. No matter how full of themselves your ex may appear, the fact that they need to feel one up on you demonstrates how insecure they really really are.
Should you acknowledge that you’re on to their behavior?
Your ex’s online behavior demonstrates that — at minimum — they’ve got poor boundaries and prefer not to communicate their feelings and needs directly. That means you being direct with them may backfire, or make the situation more entrenched.
Remember: you’re in charge of who follows you on social media, not your ex! If you don’t want your ex to know about your personal life then, block them on all your social media channels. You don’t need to ask their permission! It’s your job and your right to establish your boundaries, so take this important step towards emotional safety.
Important note: In more extreme situations, an ex can cross the legal line into criminal stalking. If persistently following you on social media is accompanied by other behavior, such as using your social media to track where you are and/or sending harassing or threatening messages, this may be grounds for a domestic violence restraining order. Keep a log of what’s happening and show it to your attorney or the police. Call 911 in an emergency.
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