Why community is so important in divorce
When you get divorced, the world you’ve always known can suddenly feel flipped upside down. People you love may drift away, or perhaps worse, take your ex’s side. Friends you’ve always counted on for advice may no longer know what to say. No one in your life seems to really understand what you are going through.
Given these dynamics, it’s no wonder that divorce can be an isolating time in life. However, the good news is that it doesn’t need to be. The secret to feeling less lonely? Find “your people.”
Here are five ways going through divorce with a community behind you changes the dynamics of your experience, helping you feel more resourced and supported.
You have people who “get it”
When few people in your immediate friend and family groups have gone through divorce, the advice they give you may be well-being, but it’s just not the been-there-done-that wisdom you really need right now.
Whether it’s an in-person support group or an online one like Divorce Coffeehouse, connecting with others going through similar experiences helps you:
- Share with others about your situation without feeling judged or required to filter your experiences. Divorce can be intense. Even good friends may feel overwhelmed when you talk about the nitty gritty of your divorce — not because they lack empathy, but because they simply have no experiences to draw from in their responses to you. Your divorce community has greater built in understanding because they’re’ going through something similar.
- Understand what’s worked and hasn’t for others — helping you better evaluate your own situation and options. For example, a member of your community may share a tip for successful co-parenting that you realize could be the missing piece for making your own situation work out.
- Create friendships and connections that match your post-divorce life. You have new challenges and new goals and your divorce community is there to cheer you on. Having a divorce community doesn’t replace your other friends and family circles. It’s a new addition to your life to give you that extra source of support you need to move forward into this new chapter of life. Your divorce community can help you maintain your relationships with loved ones because it eases the pressure on these relationships.
Caught up in a high conflict divorce? You need divorce role models
If you are going through a high conflict divorce or you’re divorcing a narcissist, you need to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Having a community of divorce role models who can provide their own dos and don’ts for getting through the divorce process with their sanity intact may be the exact lifeline you need. Look to your divorce role models for suggestions about issues like how to maintain neutral communication, peaceful co-parenting and how to find a therapist.
You need people on your side — and only your side
Members of your friend and family circles may stay in touch with your ex, but even if their reasons for doing so are completely valid, this link to your ex can leave you feeling uneasy or potentially exposed.
Joining a new community brings people into your life who are only there for you. These are new connections that don’t have the same baggage of having spent holidays and vacations with your ex; your community’s only focus is on your needs and your side in your divorce. This feeling of unequivocal support can be incredibly powerful as you navigate tough times.
Community is a two-way street
You receive support from your divorce community, and you give support too. There is something uplifting about sharing your own experiences knowing they are a help to others. Maybe you learned to not answer your ex’s emails after a certain nightly cut off time to finally get more sleep, and sharing that tip with your group, you’ve helped others get better sleep. Knowing that working through your hard times is an inspiration to others enhances self-confidence and provides motivation to keep at it.
Your community includes your legal and emotional support teams
Your divorce community consists of others going through divorce, but don’t forget about your attorney and therapist and others who make up your core divorce team. These professionals are there to provide the expert guidance you need to make legal and personal decisions in your divorce. Like all the members of your community in divorce, your core team is there for YOU to give you support and strength as you make this important life transition. Rule of thumb: Any divorce professional you work with should make you feel listened to and confident about working towards your goals. That’s what being in community with each other is all about.
Divorce Coffee House is your community in divorce! You don’t need to go through the divorce process alone. Ask a Divorce Question or Join us on Facebook to get instantly connected.