How Do I Tell My Husband “I Want A Divorce”?
You and your husband may have exhausted every last attempt to save your marriage, or maybe divorce is something you’ve been quietly contemplating all on your own. However you reached the decision to end your marriage, the next step is letting him know that you want a divorce.
There’s no way around it: this conversation is unlikely to be an easy one. Sharing your desire to divorce can trigger deep emotions for both of you, leaving you feeling exposed and vulnerable.
As you gear up for this discussion, keep in mind that what you say and how you say it is the first step toward ending your marriage with dignity and minimizing conflict in your divorce. There are no do-overs for this kind of conversation, so you want to get it right the first time. Use these top tips to craft a calm, effective and no-drama approach to sharing the news, “I want a divorce.”
Be direct
If you’ve decided you want a divorce, communicate that decision appropriately, in clear spoken language. Don’t be passive-aggressive by letting your spouse discover an affair or by acting so badly that you create more resentment and ill will than already exists. And no matter how mad you are, do not ambush your spouse by delivering the news in a restaurant or other public space. Doing this will make it much harder to recalibrate to an amicable tone, putting your divorce at risk for a rocky start. Choose a quiet time when you won’t be distracted, because this is an important conversation. Find a private place unless you are concerned about safety. Stay calm and be reasonable.
Make a plan
When the words, “I want a divorce” leave your mouth, it’s the equivalent of you knocking down the first domino in a long sequence. Which ones will fall next? It’s a good idea to do your homework before this conversation by consulting with an attorney or taking a divorce course to help you understand your options for issues such as temporary alimony and child support, child custody, how to legally file for divorce, access to the home and sharing of home-related expenses. You may also need to brush up on your financial basics. If your husband reacts in anger to your decision to divorce, he may threaten “you won’t get a dime from me” or “I want you out of our house right now.” Knowing your rights to support and staying in the home can help you remain calm.
Take accountability
Resist the urge to give a “this is all your fault” speech. Yes, your husband’s choices had a negative impact on you, but you are the one announcing that you want a divorce. Focus on taking ownership of your own feelings and decisions. Leave out blaming language or incendiary accusations and instead identify the behaviors that contributed to your decision. Use “I statements” when you explain the reasons, i.e. “When you cheated on me, I felt betrayed, and I don’t think I can ever trust you again, so I need to end this marriage.” Being clear about your role in the end of the marriage will be easier for your soon-to-be-ex to digest than if you blame them for all the problems.
Practice
Once you’ve gathered your thoughts, write them down and practice in a mirror. See yourself saying the words and think about how your spouse may respond. Some other sample wording for your “I want a divorce” script: “I have been unhappy in our marriage for several years and have done everything I could to make it work out. After much soul searching, I have come to the decision that ending our marriage is necessary for my own well-being. As difficult as I know this is for you to hear, I am filing for divorce.” If you’re still unsure about what to say, consider consulting with a therapist; a mental health professional can give you helpful feedback on how your announcement will land.
Think about your children
Remember that anything you say, and how you say it, may be repeated to your children. If you let your own anger and resentment get the better of you and find yourself telling your husband what a horrible father they are or you threaten they will “never see the kids again” because you are going for full custody (when there is no legitimate reason to), your husband may relay these upsetting comments to the kids. Always consider your children before you act; no matter how painful this process is for you, your number #1 job is to model how adults handle adversity.
Prepare for questions
What did I do to deserve this? How can you be so cruel? Why are you doing this to our children? Be prepared that your husband may ask you difficult and emotional questions during the course of the conversation, and in follow up conversations to come. You can plan for a best case scenario, but you must also be prepared for worst case scenarios too. Carefully think through answers to tough questions and have some non-inflammatory but honest responses ready to go. You may wish to work with a therapist on role playing possible scenarios.
Finally, wait until you can manage your emotions to tell your spouse in a reasonable manner that you want a divorce. Don’t announce, “I want a divorce” in the heat of the moment or aftermath of a big fight. Make an appointment with your spouse when you’re both calm and let them know you need to discuss something serious. This is a huge decision that will change the lives of you, your spouse and your children; taking the high road now will keep you from having regrets later.
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