The Biggest Mistake Men Make In Divorce – And How To Avoid It

Divorce can trigger bad behavior in either spouse, but the biggest mistake men tend to make in divorce? For many, it’s letting their emotions get the better of them and acting out of anger.

Anger is a legitimate emotion and for most people — men and women — experiencing anger is a normal part of the divorce grieving process. When anger is allowed to go unchecked in divorce, however, it can end up causing big problems.

Anger in divorce can lead you to make rash decisions – about your finances, children, and future – that you come to deeply regret. When you hire an overly aggressive attorney who promises to “make mincemeat” of your ex’s side, the only person who really benefits from this arrangement is the lawyer driving up your legal fees. The people who suffer most? You and your kids. In extreme situations where rage and anger manifest in emotional, verbal, or physical abuse, you could lose custody of your children or have a restraining order taken out against you.

Anger in Divorce: Key facts

Snap decisions made in anger can:

• Triple the $ cost of your divorce
• Negatively affect your custody or parenting time with your kids
• Result in you WORSE off financially during and after divorce
• Result in battles you cannot ‘win’
• Create lasting resentment between you and your ex
• Set your coparenting up to fail from the get-go

Strategies For Managing Anger

Learning constructive ways to work through your anger will help you avoid a world of legal and financial pain. Try these strategies to manage your emotions and restore your ability to make the best decisions possible in your divorce.

Learn effective communication strategies

Poor communication between exes is a common trigger for explosive divorce anger. Do your part to defuse these situations by paying attention to your communication style. When composing an email or text, or when speaking in person, be brief, informative (no opinions or directives), and strike a neutral tone (no sarcasm or put-downs). Get in the habit of writing emails and texts, setting them aside and then rereading and editing out needlessly confrontational language before hitting send.

Take a divorce course

Acting out in anger in your divorce is often a sign that what you’re really feeling is out of control or unknowledgeable about your divorce. For example, your ex’s side presents custody terms. You don’t think they give you enough time with the children, but you don’t know enough about custody negotiations to discuss alternatives. As a result, you get angry, which will only serve to derail custody talks even further. To break this vicious cycle, get educated in divorce by taking an online divorce course (check out the offerings from Divorce Coffeehouse) to help you learn more about your rights and options. Knowledge about divorce is power — and a powerful way to help you keep calm in tense divorce negotiations.

Get help and take responsibility

If your response to having a big outburst in court is that your ex “made you do it,” turn that around and take 100% responsibility for your own behavior. Apologize, but more than that, do the work to be able to go through divorce proceedings in a calm frame of mind. Working with an anger management therapist can help you develop coping skills to ride out the waves of anger that cause you to make bad decisions and learn how to make better decisions the next time around.

Distract yourself

Has your divorce left you feeling isolated? One of the unintended consequences of feeling alone and out of the loop in your own life is losing all emotional perspective. You may have been able to shrug off bad feelings in the past, but now there’s little to distract you from letting negative thoughts dominate. So, do your best to distract yourself. One easy way to do this is to make some plans with old friends. Keep things light and as divorce-free as possible. Remember who you used to be — and who you still are! Go to a climbing gym with your old college buddies. Meet up with pals at the sports bar to watch the big game (tip: keep the alcohol to a minimum). When it’s your turn with the kids, set up a “playdate” with a single dad friend and his kids. These types of activities give you something else to think about and connect you with the fun side of life, breaking negative patterns and giving you space to redirect and refocus.

Work it out by working out

The next time you feel anger building up, go for a brisk walk or run or bike ride. Physical activity releases feel good endorphins and reduces stress in the body and mind. Try to get some form of exercise every day to support a healthy frame of mind.

Regain calm with guided meditation 

If you’re feeling very angry and are having a hard time letting go of the feeling, meditation is an effective tool to help you relax physically and calm your mind. When practiced regularly, meditation gives you a clearer head to rationally view your situation and the things that upset you.

Meditation also helps you regroup and cool off during an episode of anger. Instead of directing this anger and energy on something you may regret later, meditation brings you back to a calm state. Because much of meditation involves breathing and watching the breath, it can help bring down the heart rate, relaxing the body and mind. An easy way to start meditating is to use a meditation app like Calm or Head Space.

Build a support network

Joining a divorce support community gives you a safe place to be vulnerable about the swirling emotions you’re going through in your divorce. There are other distinct benefits to having people around you who have been in your shoes and can share how to successfully cope with their anger. Consider joining a divorce support community like Divorce Coffeehouse for instant connection to these divorce role models.

Know your “why” — and keep it front and center

What do you want from your divorce? A close relationship with your children? A stable retirement portfolio? A new place to leave that feels like you? When you shift your divorce into a goal-oriented process, it can help you stay focused on the future rather than looking back in anger. Take some time to visualize the future you want and reflect on this whenever you feel those unstable feelings beginning to surface.

If your anger isn’t responding to coping techniques like the ones above, immediately get in touch with a divorce anger management therapist for help, or call a local crisis hotline.

Anger is an emotion that can be part of divorce, but it doesn’t need to dominate your divorce. Keep calm and carry on, with the right combination of emotional support in your divorce.

Divorce Coffee House is your community in divorce! You don’t need to go through the divorce process alone. Ask a Divorce Question or Join us on Facebook to get instantly connected.