What Do I Do If My Spouse Is Playing Dirty In Divorce?

Dirty tricks. Unfortunately, some spouses play them in divorce. Is your ex engaging in shady behavior? Signs of playing dirty in divorce include hiding assets, making false allegations, finding every possible reason to stall the process, besieging you with paperwork to drive up fees, or, if you’re post-divorce, taking you back to court repeatedly to win minor issues.

In order to survive their shenanigans, you need to respond strategically — not reactively! Here are 7 key tips to help you win, and stay sane, when your spouse is playing dirty in divorce.

Get educated about divorce. It’s difficult to spot the signs that your ex is playing dirty tricks when the divorce process itself still feels confusing or unknown to you. Get up to speed on the divorce process by taking an on demand divorce course [check out our Divorce Coffee House offerings]. Pay special attention to financial issues in divorce, an area where unscrupulous spouses often attempt to pull off a sleight of hand.

Work with a savvy attorney. If your spouse is nasty and unreasonable, this is a sign that a DIY divorce in which you represent yourselves could be a very big mistake. Take the time to find a savvy attorney to be your advocate in divorce. When a spouse is playing dirty tricks, for example by trying to drag you into an all out war in court so that you “feel the pain” of divorce, a skilled attorney will know how to “not take the bait” and keep conflict minimized. At the same time, if the dirty trick is leveling false accusations against you that do require going before a judge, having an attorney with extensive litigation experience is a plus. Bottom line: be transparent with the attorney that you feel a storm brewing with your ex and get their take on the best strategy forward.

Hire a forensic accountant. If your spouse is wealthy but is playing a shell game with assets, you need to hire a forensic accountant; this is a certified financial expert who has specialized training in locating misreported funds. Your lawyer will probably be able to provide you referrals for reputable forensic accountants skilled at finding hidden assets. Yes, hiring another expert will cost money, but it’s worth it if significant assets are at stake.

Document, document, document. Having a dastardly ex means you need to be prepared to go to court and provide evidence that their claims are false, or justify why they should not receive more custody time or child support. Although it’s tedious and time-consuming, taking fastidious notes is crucial for a good outcome in court.

Don’t get emotional. It’s awful being on the receiving end of a bully’s antics, but it’s imperative that you keep a clear head and make wise decisions. Being reactive and lashing out – making threats, refusing to let the kids see their other parent, or worse, resorting to physical violence – will just hurt your case and make you seem like the problem. If you’re having trouble regulating your emotions, see a therapist who can teach you coping skills for how to emotionally prepare for divorce. Short on funds for therapy? Try a mindfulness meditation app, join a divorce support group, take daily walks, journal, and make sure you’re getting enough sleep and eating right.

Be impeccable in your actions. Feeling tempted to stoop to your ex’s level? While you may believe that you need to respond with equal force in order to win, playing dirty right back will more likely prolong the divorce, gouge your pocketbook, and make you look just as bad as your ex in family court. In the long run, being impeccable in your actions – abiding by the court order, not engaging in hostile communication, not trash-talking your ex to your kids, providing truthful documents and declarations, and in general being an upstanding citizen – will shine a light on your ex’s bad behavior and increase the odds that a judge will rule in your favor.

Finally, remember to pace yourself. Divorcing a dodgy spouse will be more of a marathon than a sprint. Don’t waste time and energy ruminating over their dastardly deeds because your spouse is not going to change. Accept that this is who they are and focus on implementing a top-notch strategy so you can get through your divorce and get on with your life.

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