What Women Regret About Their Divorce
We’ve all made a few choices in life that we wish came with a do-over. In divorce, however, where so many high stakes decisions are required, it’s all too easy to fall into the trap of making impulsive, emotionally-driven decisions that result in financial and emotional pain in the future — and lots of remorse.
The direction your divorce will take is made one decision at a time. Read on to learn the top regrets women have about their divorce decisions – and what you can do to avoid disaster.
Women’s Top 5 Divorce Regrets
Divorce Regret: Poor post-divorce dating choices
If you’ve felt unloved, unsupported, and sexually unfulfilled, it’s understandable that you want to experience love and physical intimacy again. These feelings are valid. However, making the decision to rush back out on the dating scene can open you up to rejection, STIs, your children feeling hurt and confused, and the possibility of a rebound relationship that will cause more emotional damage. In other words, all things that make coping with divorce even more difficult. Assuming there is no new partner currently waiting in the wings, consider waiting until you feel more settled before downloading the Tinder app to your phone.
Divorce Regret: Not doing enough pre-divorce homework
If you want a surefire way to make bad decisions in your divorce, begin this life-altering process without fully understanding its legal, financial, and emotional ramifications. An easy way to do your “homework” is to take an online divorce course as a way to master the basics and start setting goals. (Learn more about course offerings from Divorce Coffee House.) Taking time to prepare for divorce is critical for creating a better life for you and your children. As part of your plan, it’s also a good idea to consult with a family law law attorney and divorce therapist. If you’re already deep into the divorce process, and feeling stuck or confused, taking time out to plan can be a needed reset to get your divorce moving in the right direction again.
Divorce Regret: Not getting on top of finances
Do you not consider yourself a “money person?” Have you abdicated all things related to finance to your spouse? Have you been out of the job market and are terrified you won’t be able to support yourself after divorce? Letting fear and vagueness keep you from learning necessary financial literacy skills can cause you a world of pain if you end up making unsound financial decisions. Make a choice to turn this around. Avoid divorce regrets by consulting with an accountant or financial planner, and/or enroll in online finance classes, so you understand how to manage your money once you’re divorced.
Divorce Regret: Keeping the house when they couldn’t afford it
Making the choice to hold onto the family home when it’s not fiscally prudent to do so is one of the biggest things women regret after divorce. So make sure that your decision to keep your current home, or purchase a new one, is based on sound financial logic and not emotion. For instance, can you afford property taxes and upkeep? Will owning the home drain too much of your assets, or depend primarily on spousal and child support (which can change due to unforeseen circumstances)? Will you really enjoy the house if you’re house-poor? You don’t need to be a property owner to be a grown-up or to provide an adequate nest for your children. Wait until you know you can comfortably own a home before you put yourself in a position to regret it.
Divorce Regret: Wasting time trying to change their ex
If you couldn’t change your ex during the marriage, what makes you think you can do it now? Trying to give your former spouse a personality overhaul via lectures, advice, emotional outbursts, or mounting a defense so they finally “get it” is just going to make them dig in their heels and do more of the things that bother you. Make the choice to let go of the “toxic hope” that you can change your ex so you don’t regret spending precious time on this doomed undertaking.
Finally, don’t let your animosity towards your spouse spill onto the children. They should not have to hear how much you don’t like their other parent, or feel pressured to take sides. Believe it or not, your opinion about your ex may change in time, especially if you lack insight into your own behavior. Deciding to stay child-focussed will help you keep from knee-jerk reactions that you will inevitably regret down the line.
Divorce Coffee House is your community in divorce! You don’t need to go through the divorce process alone. Ask a Divorce Question or Join us on Facebook to get instantly connected.